"Black Tax is Killing My Dreams": Petrol Attendant Saving to Study Pressured Into Helping Family
- A young man has been working hard as a petrol attendant to save money to further his tertiary education
- The hopeful student revealed his mother is pressuring him into giving the money to his family for his half-sibling's school trip because they can't afford it
- The petrol attendant revealed his mother doesn't see the need for him to study because he 'already has a job' and he doesn't know how to tell her no
- Speaking to Briefly News, expert Paula Quinsee offers advice to the young man on how he can set boundaries with his family and prioritise himself
Anonymous, 28, wrote: "Black tax is killing my dreams, please help! I am hustling hard as a petrol attendant to save money to further my studies. I appreciate my job so much, but I don't want to fill cars with petrol for the rest of my life.
"My mother found out about my savings and wants me to pay for my half-sibling's school tour. I told her what the money was for, but she said I already have a job, and they can't afford the expenses for the tour. How do I tell her I am not giving them money?"
Source: Getty Images
Expert highlights importance of prioritising one's own financial well-being
Paula Quinsee is a relationship expert who specialises in creating healthy relationships at home and in the workplace. She is the founder of Engaged Humans and the author of Embracing Conflict and Embracing No.
Paula Quinsee explained that the pressure of "black tax" can feel like a heavy burden on individuals striving to achieve their own life goals.
Quinsee added that looking after oneself should not come second to traditions:
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"While it's important to want to embrace your traditions and help your family's needs, it’s equally important to prioritise your own aspirations and financial well-being. Try having a transparent and honest conversation with your mother about your savings and goals for furthering your own education and importance to you."
Beating black tax: How to set boundaries with your family
Boundaries are crucial in all relationships, whether personal or professional. Paula Quinsee suggested Anonymous make it clear what the funds are for and find alternative ways to help his family:
"Express your understanding of her financial concerns but also assert your need to prioritise your own future and helping out in other ways or exploring other financial support options for your half-sibling's school tour. Setting boundaries and communicating your priorities respectfully is essential in navigating these difficult conversations."
When family members can't understand their loved one's reasoning, Paula suggests getting the help of an external mediator to defuse the situation.
"If you feel you are unable to have this conversation, you may want to seek the support of an elder, family member or someone in the community your mother respects to help facilitate the conversation for you."
It's important to remember that self-care is not selfish. Paula added that putting oneself first could result in being in a better position later to help others. She said:
"Taking care of yourself and investing in your future is not selfish; it's necessary for your growth in the long term, and success can put you in an even better position to help your family."
Disclaimer: Advice given in this article is general and is not the views of Briefly News. It is not intended to influence a reader's decisions. Readers are advised to seek professional help before making any decisions.
Do you have a story to tell? Want an expert's advice? Please email us at contact@briefly.co.za with 'Ask an expert' in the subject line.
Middle child feels unseen by parents, expert advises
Briefly News previously reported on another difficult family dynamic. A middle child reached out for help because he was feeling unseen by his parents.
The guy expressed his siblings are always praised in the family, and he felt like the 'black sheep' who always let everyone down. Certified relationship therapy educator Paula Quinsee advised the gent to address the issue with his parents.
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Source: Briefly News
Maryn Blignaut (Human-Interest HOD) Maryn Blignaut is the Human Interest manager and feature writer. She holds a BA degree in Communication Science, which she obtained from the University of South Africa in 2016. She joined the Briefly - South African News team shortly after graduating and has over six years of experience in the journalism field. Maryn passed the AFP Digital Investigation Techniques course (Google News Initiative), as well as a set of trainings for journalists by Google News Initiative. You can reach her at: maryn.blignaut@briefly.co.za
Paula Quinsee (Certified Relationship Therapy Educator and founder of Engaged Humans) Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans, facilitating connection between individuals and organisations to create a more human-connected world. She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy educator and facilitator, NLP practitioner, PDA analyst, coach and trainer. Paula is also the author of two self-help guides - Embracing Conflict and Embracing No - as well as an international speaker, advocate for mental health and activist for gender-based violence.
