- Phumzile Grace Ntshabele has had a difficult relationship with her mother
- From an early age, the pageant queen was encouraged to trade sex for money and groceries to support the household
- Today, the encouraging young woman shares her advice for anyone going through a similar situation
A local woman has opened up about her often difficult relationship with her mother.
Speaking exclusively with Briefly News, Phumzile Grace Ntshabele says she had been damaged by the advice given to her by her mother.
Growing up as an awkward teen the young woman was encouraged to use her body as a means of acquiring food and other items for the household.
Today, the inspiring young woman shares how she found healing and some advice for anyone going through a similarly difficult parent-child relationship.
Check out the interview below:
Hi Phumzile. Please tell us more about yourself? (early life, upbringing, education, etc...)
"My name is Phumzile Grace Ntshabele. I'm a mother of 2, aged 40 and I grew up in the Eastrand, in a Township called Tsakane. I had 3 siblings and we, unfortunately, lost my eldest Brother Mandla to suicide when I was 13 years.
"I was a bit of an introvert growing up, you would hardly find me in the streets or mingling with other kids. I was always told that I was too dark and too skinny by my family and friends, this lead to an underlying issue of low self-confidence. "
Later, Phumzile would build her confidence by walking in pageants. The beauty queen boasts many titles including Miss Secondary Schools, second Princess Kaizer Chiefs.
She went on to open up about her relationship with her mother. Phumzile shared that from a young age, her mother encouraged the beautiful teenager to exchange sexual favours for groceries and other desired items.
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"My relationship with my Mother growing up was fine until she wanted me to start using my boyfriends through sex to buy groceries and some of the things that were needed in the home (this is where our issues began).
"I believed Mothers were there to nurture and protect their children, but I found my situation to be different and I was strongly against the advice my mother was giving me...
"I, later on, realized that my mother's love was always driven by material things, so when I won most of the pageants I entered, I would win gifts and all those gifts went to my mother because I wanted her love and approval but these gifts were never enough for her. She would re-gift them at family and friends weddings."
Have you and your mom managed to reconcile, and if yes, how did you fix the relationship?
"No. I had made several attempts to but the last attempt lead to her uttering in her own words that "She hated me and that I was buying her love".
I decided to give her space from that point onwards but I still have hopes of reconciliation though it would take a great intervention. In my heart, I have let go of any bitterness I held towards her. She is my Mother after all and I will always long for a happy and healthy relationship with her."
Speaking about the impact their poor relationship has had on Phumzile, the young woman shared that at one point she, unfortunately, found herself in the very cyle her mother had encouraged.
What impact did your relationship with your mother have on you and how have you grown?
"I tried as hard as I could to avoid falling into her advice but because of desperation at onepoint in my life, fell into the very same trap she wanted me to fall into.
"I slept with a man I didn't love just so that I could pay rent and make it through school to the next month.," she explained.
More than anything, Phumzile wants all women to know they can rely on one another and works hard to protect her sisters from a similar fate. She's encouraging local ladies to support one another business ventures especially.
"I've learnt to protect other women, even strangers. I do not ever want to see any woman fall into the trap I fell into, it's still an embarrassing and shameful truth to share but I have to share.
"If we support each other as women (in whatever way we can) we can protect each other from facing such difficult and testing situations."
What advice can you give other South Africans who have troubled relationships with their parents?
"It's such a tricky question because every relationship requires work from both parties. I personally think it's important for parents to realise that there is no parenting manual (I speak to myself too when I say this) we all need some form of assistance and support but one of the building blocks is for us to listen to our children and not become dictators. Their opinions and feelings matter too, give them a platform to be free to express themselves with you so you can nurture the relationship. "
Mom still hopeful she will conceive despite having experienced 4 miscarriages
In more interesting relationship news, Briefly News previously reported that Faith Nduhiu was only 28 when she decided to try for a second child.
Her firstborn daughter was eight years old at that point and she felt it was about time to get a second baby.
“It was in 2919 when my journey toward searching for a second child began, marred with a series of miscarriages. But I have not given up,'' Faith told EVE Woman.
Her first miscarriage
When it first happened, she was only two months along in April 2019.
“I just felt my water break and I immediately called my gynaecologist to inquire if I should be worried, but he said that I should take it easy, relax and keep him updated," she recalled.
Shortly after, another episode of water came gushing. This time it was accompanied by blood.
“I got worried and called him again explaining what had happened. He immediately said I should report to the hospital," she told Eve Woman.
Faith kept wondering what could be happening but kept hoping that all will be well and she would get to hear the baby’s heartbeat. But this was not to be.
“As soon as I got checked, the doctors confirmed that I was undergoing a miscarriage. It was a shuttering moment for me but I accepted the outcome as God’s will. My husband was very supportive too and so this helped me accept the news and remain strong."
Shortly after, Faith conceived again, twice but they too ended in miscarriages.
“This did not make me give up. Determined, I conceived again last year. But this time it was different,” she narrated.
“I remember I was only a few weeks gone when I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. This was last year in August. I went to the hospital and was told that I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was in so much pain that I could not walk. I remember blacking out because of the immense pain. I even remember going into a place so peaceful and quiet and that’s when the pain stopped. But then I heard my husband calling my name and I immediately came back to my senses and the pain came back," she explained.
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She went to the hospital in the afternoon and by 9pm, her membrane ruptured and the pain multiplied. All this time, Faith was waiting for a doctor so she could proceed to surgery. She would spend the night at the hospital awaiting the doctor’s report on the next steps to take.
“I was wheeled into the theatre at 10am into a surgery that took 6 hours, then went to the ICU to recover. I have three stitched on my body that are a constant reminder of this journey,” she said.
“I remember having a conversation with the doctor after the surgery and he told me that I have been strong. I had bled so much that they had to extend the surgery to ensure there were no clots.”
Faith said the whole experience has not dampened her hope and she still anticipates holding a baby soon.
“I still believe that I will conceive. I believe in God for twins,” she said.
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She stayed at the hospital for a week and was discharged.
“I have not given up, I know this experience is here to encourage other women going through a similar experience to not give up.”
Faith is in full-time ministry and is also involved in young couples counselling. She believes in encouraging those struggling with difficulties in life that there is hope.
“Never give up, God will always come through.”
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Source: Briefly News