“I Always Dreamed of Him Having a Big White Wedding”: Mom Struggles With Gay Child, Expert Weighs In
- A mother felt confused after her son told her that he was interested in dating men, not women
- The mom said her dreams of seeing her son have a white wedding with a lady have gone down the drain
- A relationship therapy educator said the woman should have an open conversation with her son and accept him as he is
Anonymous wrote: "Dear expert, I am a confused mom. My son told us he is gay, and I don't know how to process it. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that he is finally able to live his authentic life, but I am mourning a life I thought he, and my husband and I, would have. I always dreamed of him having a big white wedding to a lovely woman, and them making us grandparents.
"We have a family ring that has been passed down to the bride for five generations and the first-born gets the family name. None of that seems possible anymore. I don't know what the future will look like now, and I am struggling to come to terms with it. How do I process our new reality without making my son feel like we resent him for his sexuality?"
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Expert says confusion is normal when kids come out to their parents
Paula Quinsee founded Engaged Humans. She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy educator and facilitator, NLP practitioner, PDA analyst, and international speaker and author.
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Speaking to Briefly News, certified relationship therapy educator Paula Quinsee said the mom's feelings of confusion and mourning are understandable, and it is a good thing that she acknowledged them.
"Coming to terms with this new reality can be challenging, especially when it deviates from traditional expectations you may have been holding onto for yourself and your son. However, it's equally important to recognise that your son's sexuality is a part of who he is, and his journey to living authentically and not by society’s standards is a courageous one."
Paula highlighted the positive side, saying that at least the son is now happy. The best thing the mom could do was to be happy and support him.
The son needs the mom's support
"Your dreams for your son may have shifted, but your son's happiness and well-being are equally important, and he needs your love, support now more than ever. There are potential other ways that your family's traditions and values can still be honoured and celebrated within the context of his identity and relationship that you can both explore together."
Open communication is the key
The expert said that the mom should have a one-on-one with her son to speak and listen to each other's experiences and perspectives.
"Communication is key in moving forward and both of you being able to express yourselves openly and honestly as you both grapple with processing your emotions in this new situation. Listening to each other’s perspective and experiences with an open heart and mind provides you with a great opportunity to validate each other’s feelings and provide the necessary love and support."
Creating new family customs
Paula concluded by saying that it may be a good idea to revamp the family's customs a bit since times have changed. She added that the parent could also speak to others who dealt with the same situation.
"Part of your conversation can be around creating new customs and the possibility of the family ring still being passed down in a different way. In all of this, it’s also Ok to seek support for yourself by looking to connect with other parents who may have gone through similar experiences or from a therapist who can help you process your own emotions and experience in a safe environment."
Disclaimer: Advice given in this article is general and is not the views of Briefly News. It is not intended to influence a reader's decisions. Readers are advised to seek professional help before making any decisions.
Do you have a story to tell? Want an expert's advice? Please email us at contact@briefly.co.za with 'Ask an expert' in the subject line.
Middle child feels unseen by their parents
In another story, Briefly News reported about a middle child who felt unappreciated by his parents.
The kid said he felt like his parents favoured his siblings. A certified relationship therapy educator, Paula Quinsee, said that the young man should have an open conversation with his parents.
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Source: Briefly News
Sinothando Siyolo (Editor) Sinothando Siyolo is a Human Interest Writer at Briefly News. He holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) degree from the University of Cape Town (UCT), with majors in Media and Writing, Politics and Governance. Before joining Briefly, Sinothando worked as a Content Producer for Hibari Media and as a News Content Producer for The South African (TSA). He has the ability to write across various sections - News, Human Interest, Politics, Entertainment, and Business. He joined Briefly in 2023. You can contact Sinothando at s2pinyana@gmail.com
Paula Quinsee (Certified Relationship Therapy Educator and founder of Engaged Humans) Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans, facilitating connection between individuals and organisations to create a more human-connected world. She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy educator and facilitator, NLP practitioner, PDA analyst, coach and trainer. Paula is also the author of two self-help guides - Embracing Conflict and Embracing No - as well as an international speaker, advocate for mental health and activist for gender-based violence.
