“Where Were Their Fathers?”: SA Pastor and Author Links Fatherhood to Tackling Violence

• A Johannesburg pastor and author survived a hijacking and came out of it asking a question about the young men who attacked him that he couldn't let go of
• Heartlines' Fathers Matter campaign is built on research showing that violence develops long before it happens
• The campaign is calling on fathers, mothers and entire communities to think about how boys learn to handle anger and conflict before it worsens

A Johannesburg pastor, chartered accountant and author nearly lost his life in a hijacking, and the thing that stayed with him most was not the gun. It was how young the men were. Themba Dlamini, who wrote Village Boy: A Memoir of Fatherlessness, spent his recovery asking one question he could not shake.

That question of where it all began, he says, is the one South Africa has been avoiding. Heartlines' Fathers Matter campaign is now using his story and local research to push for a bigger national conversation about fatherhood and violence prevention.

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When Briefly News writer, Nerissa Naidoo, asked Dlamini about the moment that question first hit him, he said:

"What struck me in that moment was not the gun, or even the shooting itself. It was how young they were. Even in the chaos, I remember thinking: these are boys. Dangerous, yes. Violent, yes. But boys shaped somewhere long before they ever picked up a weapon."

He added that the question only came later, while he was recovering, and it would not leave him alone.

"South Africa is skilled at reacting to violence after it happens. We are far less willing to ask what forms boys long before they end up in a headline."

Fatherhood and violence in SA

Heartlines research shows that violence does not start at the scene of a crime. It grows earlier, in how boys learn to process anger, shame and conflict. Where that guidance is missing, boys often pick up their idea of manhood from the wrong places, and risky behaviour tends to follow.

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Dlamini grew up without a father himself, and when Briefly News asked what he wished someone had told him as a boy, he did not hesitate:

"I wish someone had told me that strength is not the absence of emotion. So many boys grow up believing anger is the only acceptable emotion for a man. Sadness looks weak. Fear looks shameful. Vulnerability looks dangerous. So everything gets buried until it resurfaces through aggression, withdrawal, addiction or violence."

He said those lessons now shape how he and his wife raise their four children, creating a home where emotions can be named openly and discipline is about growth, not punishment.

What a first step looks like?

For families where father absence is linked to poverty or migrant labour, Heartlines project director Zamabongo Mojalefa says the starting point is simpler than people think. When Briefly News writer Nerissa Naidoo asked what a realistic first step looks like for those families, Mojalefa said:

"At the heart of every first step is this question: what is in the best interest of the child? For the migrant labourer, it might not only be about sending home money every month, but also sending daily text messages or calling as often as you can. For the unemployed father, it might look like taking your child to clinic check-ups or going to watch their sport matches. Your presence makes a difference even when funds are low."

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Mojalefa also went on to explain that communities also carry responsibility, from encouraging men not to give up, to supporting single mothers and making sure children have safe male role models in their lives.

Dlamini said:

"We do not need fewer men. We need more men who stay."

More on SA crime, violence and community

• Briefly News recently reported on a Cape Town woman whose phone was snatched by a taxi crew member in Belhar.
• Parliament found that the Department of Correctional Services was billed over R700 per litre for cooking oil, with officials now facing disciplinary action over suspected deals.
• South African women were caught on camera in a heated confrontation after men accused them of stealing devices worth over R50,000.

Source: Briefly News